Frustration, pain, suffering, anger. All of these words describe life as a lowly CVS employee. Those words might describe life with impotence, too. But thats a whole different blog entirely. Check out a fresh look on why working for this company, dealing with other employees and customers all suck really bad.

Friday, October 11

CVS is watching your social media sites

Corporate douche bags have to validate their jobs now by firing employees over petty social media postings.

On a more serious note...

I just had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine who works for corporate so I figured I'd pass this on to everyone. CVS is currently and actively snooping on employees social media accounts and firing anyone with questionable content.

By questionable content, I don't mean pictures of you and your buddies doing crazy things after work. But rather people posting pictures while they are obviously on the clock and should be working or making negative comments about the company on media sites that clearly belong to employees.

From what I understand there was a big corporate meeting about it and that spawned the "social media agreement" employees had to agree to. However NOW they are acting on it with LP folks scouring the media sites for stuff to fire you with, which they will when they confront you with the evidence.Whether it was ranting on Twitter about how you hate the job, using a dozen hashtags to emphasize it. Or even posting pictures on Facebook where people are clearly doing things they should be not while at work.

While I don't condone stupidity such as stealing stuff and posting evidence on your Facebook. People now are getting canned left and right for petty nonsense that breaks the "social media" rules. For instance, a store manager getting fired after 11 years for simply Tweeting "my job sucks today" or a shift supervisor of 6 years getting the boot after posting a selfie in the office and putting it online. Total bullshit.

So as a common sense reminder, lock your social sites and hide your tracks. Unless you are trying to get fired, then keep up the good work. However, for the ones that need the've been warned.

We all know CVS sucks, and it IS your right to express that. Do so discreetly and be safe, my friends!

Wednesday, August 21

CVS Greatest Hits: Volume One

Ever wondered who sings that God awful shit you hear at CVS? No? Well, too bad! Here's a quick list of some of the crap-tastic songs that somehow managed to get rotation on CVS radio.

Marc Broussard "Rocksteady" - There's no doubt about it, this song is pure, unadulterated baby making music. The fact that you've never heard of this guy is because this song likely resulted in a lot of illegitimate children for him and thus having to go into hiding. 

Hall & Oates "One on One" - Another baby makin' jam. However this one is more reminiscent of something you'd play for the wife you've grown tired of banging and just want to drown out her moans with some sappy shit. At least that way you can focus on pretending she's that hot blonde from across the street.

Chicago "Beginnings" - The sweet trumpets will surely fill Grandma's britches with glee...and probably some urine, too.

The Cars "I'm Not The One" - Aging hipsters might appreciate the 80s new wave shit. The old timers likely still refer to it as noisy electronic music, insisting real music is made with glockenspiels and old jugs.

Simply Red "Go Now" - If this shit does not make your ass shake then you are either deaf or a quadriplegic.

Dave Barnes "Little Lies" - La la la la...MAKE IT FUCKING STOP!

Bill Withers "Lovely Day" - If this guy worked for CVS this song obviously would have never existed...or instead called "Lowly Slave Day".

Ben Kweller "Falling" - This would be a great theme for elderly customers in the parking lot during snow storms.

Five For Fighting "Above The Timberline" - If stabbing a fork through my ears was the only solution to stop this song from playing, then please get me a lot of forks.

Electric Light Orchestra "Strange Magic" - They play this because all of the die hard hippies from the 60's simply moved on from acid to oxycodone.

Toto "Africa" - Has a synthesized melody ever made you consider suicide? Yes. Yes it has.

Courtney Jaye "Can't Behave" - I have a strange feeling this girl turned a bad case of syphilis into a catchy pop song.

Yael Naim "New Soul" - Hey, let's write a quirky pop song that is really similar to Feist's 1234. Yeah great idea.

David Gray "Hospital Food" - At least if it's from a hospital it's probably not expired.

Alice Peacock "Leading With My Heart" - When you are directing a customer to an item, make sure lead them with your heart. Then leave them with a fart.

AM60 "We Belong Together" - There have been days I've considered calling the Help Desk and telling them to stop playing this fucking song.

Bess Rogers "Come Home" - If her nipple was a volume switch, I'd twist it to the off position.

Jay Ferguson "Thunder Island" - I'm not sure if such a place exists but if it does chances are the women there have as much hair in their armpits than he has on his head.

Marshall Crenshaw "Mary Anne" - If Mary Anne shops at CVS, I'm sure she was excited to hear her song. However, that excitement probably ended when she used the bathroom and noticed it hadn't been cleaned in weeks, the toilet was overflowing and the trash can was full of tampons and used 25 gauge syringes.

So there you go, at least now we know the names of the songs. Next time you catch a coworker humming along to something you can slap them AND correctly identify the song. "I slapped you because you won't stop humming Thunder Island".

Friday, December 9

Assorted CVS Fail

Well, 2% is less fattening at least. Just sayin.

Can anyone tell me what the fuck this means?

Interesting place to reference Silence of the Lambs.

Maybe it was supposed to read "Now, lose weight".

No comment needed.

Fact: Nothing says sweet dreams better than a baby's own bottle of Merlot.

Can someone please tell me ware the socks are?

I would skip this party if I were you.

Excuse me, I'm looking for products for warts and....oh wait, I see the sign!

Sense this does not make.

Finally, a low cost alternative to ice.


Thursday, December 8

January is Medicare/Medicaid Fraud Appreciation Month!

* Picture used for illustrative purposes only. Actual Medicare/Medicaid recipient's race, gender, age and icy chains may vary.

CVS loves promoting different health care issues with the hopes that you will spend tons of money with them....Get your flu shot today! Spend $25 on select Susan G. Komen items get a free self breast exam guide! November is national pubic lice awareness month, ask an associate for details! Check out our new prostate health supplements in the vitamin section! Put all your prescriptions on ReadyFill and get a free rectal thermometer!

With so many different ways to say thank you to customers, I think its time to roll out a new promotion for some of their more under appreciated customers. My idea?

January is Medicare/Medicaid Fraud Appreciation Month!

Yes, that's right an entire month dedicated to those who dupe our government subsidized health care system in order to obtain free or low cost services for themselves. Let's face it, paying for insurance is for suckers and when you can easily conceal your actual income, there's really no need to mess with that Blue Cross shit. CVS loves this for a few reasons...

1) When you have a $0 copay for all 12 of your monthly prescriptions, compliance is guaranteed! All they have to do is set up their iPhone to receive the automatic text messages when the scripts are done and then simply hop in their Range Rover and pick them all up in the drive thru. It's so easy.

2) With the $1000 worth of copays they save each month, they have enough extra money in their pocket to make other important health care related purchases inside the store. Like for example, the $40 worth of Xanax that they insist on paying for out of pocket each month, or the $100 netbook to make pie charts, graphs and whatnot or even a talking GPS for their BMW so they can find all those hard to find pain clinics.

So the next time someone walks in the store, talking on their iPhone with the jewel encrusted protective case, sporting shoes worth more than your entire outfit, wearing more jewelry than most pawn shops have in their entire inventory and fumbling through a large wad of what appears to be mostly hundred dollar bills, as soon as they hand you that Medicaid card, please take a moment to stop and thank them for choosing CVS Pharmacy.

Tuesday, September 27

10 Reasons To Go To An Independent Drug Store

Sick of the empty feeling you get after a visit to those corporate drug stores? Here's a few reasons why your hard earned money should be going elsewhere...

  1. Independents are typically more shopper friendly. You aren't visually raped every time you visit one with towering stacks of shit they hope you impulsively buy.
  2. Transactions are quick and easy. You do not get bombarded with 50 questions ranging from "Would you like to buy some gummy worms that we have on sale?", "Would you like that prescription automatically refilled next time?", "Do you have a CVS card? No? Would like to get one?", "Would you like to donate $1 to end hunger in Romania?", "Do you need a water based lubricant to go with those condoms?" etc...
  3. Most likely no one will attempt to rape you in a bathroom.
  4. Most small drug stores will have the extra time to help you with your questions and not not scowl at you when you ask what is good for chapped lips then proceed to tell you to go see a doctor before they walk away.
  5. Independents have consistently higher satisfaction ratings.
  6. You get awesome names with local pharmacies, like Butt Drugs.
  7. They will most likely remember you by your name, and not "that guy who gets all the enemas and Viagra every month".
  8. Given an actual medical emergency, independent drug stores will be more apt to actually help you out.
  9. Chain drug stores see this and panic.
  10. CVS could very well be a sly acronym for "Constipated Vagrant Servants".

Tuesday, May 25

Thank You For Not Choking

Here's a recent article about a CVS employee choking to death a shoplifter who was stealing a tube of toothpaste.

I don't even know where to start with this one. I'll admit I am a bit stumped as to which is truly more pitiful: Our country being in such a slump that grown men now steal toothpaste or how store clerks now must kill people who steal in fear that they'll lose their job.

This isn't the first time I've heard of this happening. In fact, in a role reversal of this situation, a CVS clerk was stabbed to death while trying to apprehend a thief outside a store. Let's look past all the strings attached to events like this and take a look at the real problem here: Why the hell does CVS not discourage people from chasing shoplifters out the door?

Managers and shifts, you know the deal. A dude walks in the store and eyes those expensive razors blades, next thing you know you are mysteriously missing 6 of them. Or an older couple walks in pushing a cart around, 6 minutes later you are completely wiped out of Prevacid, Tylenol and Trojan Magnum condoms. The next day your loss prevention manager calls you chew your ass apart and politely tell you what a bumbling idiot you are.

See, the management types knows how this plays out. The district managers and LP managers get to walk this fine line between acting like they care about your personal well being in situations like this, but at the same time they are make it clear that your ass is grass if some booster hits your store up for $400 worth of stuff in a matter of 4 minutes while you dealing with a cashier on break, 3 phone lines on hold, a jammed photo machine and an elderly man complaining that CVS Belted Undergarments gave his grapes the chaffing of a lifetime.

With the unrealistic workload expectations and the pressure from the higher ups, people in store management positions can easily see their jobs in jeopardy if shoplifting becomes rampant in a store. In times like these, nobody wants to see their jobs slip away because some jackoff has been stealing all the As Seen On TV stuff. CVS obviously has no qualms about letting employees worried about their jobs trying to apprehend thieves, or else we'd never read about this stuff.

Shit, if I were ever in this position in fear of losing my job over some theft, the phrase "And don't be a afraid to choke a bitch" would be the closing remark of my everyday team huddle. Sure, I'm quite shocked that someone actually died because they wanted some free cavity protection but then I started to understand.

Its is probably a case of a troubled store with some serious shrink issues, CVS upper management came down hard on store level employees and now this happened. Way to go CVS.

Tuesday, October 6

Occasionally, we'll go that extra mile for ya.

You may have seen those ridiculously sappy CVS commercials on TV where a somber pharmacist, staring directly at the camera, tells you this left field story about how he/she delivered a prescription to an elderly, bedridden woman, 15 miles away, in a blizzard, with no working headlights, on their day off.

We all know that is a complete fucking lie, made up by some production company in New Jersey comprised of a bunch of fat dudes in a small rented office drinking coffee and excessively scratching their rectums. Truth is, CVS Pharmacists have such an unrealistically high workload, you're lucky if they even acknowledge you and answer a simple question like "What's good for chapped lips?" - let alone, save a burning pregnant lady from a fiery building and then hand delivering her prenatal vitamins in the hospital the next day.

However, this lovely video shows that the staff does in fact go the extra mile occasionally. Don't be fooled though, this was a genuine act of good customer service but, it's most likely fueled by the fear that some over exaggerated complaint will reach their district manager if they don't hand over two ice cold Grapeades (the pharmacist actually did get Grapeade, knowing this company I'm surprised he didn't erroneously give them Lemonade). If any company knows how to instill the fear of God when it comes to customer complaints, it's CVS.

...and if two stoners ordering drinks at the pharmacy drive thru wasn'r enough, here are some more amusing CVS videos for your viewing pleasure.

Zombies invade CVS

39 inches of reciept, WTF?

CVS Pharmacist uses confidential patient information to make fake craigslist sex ad

Random CVS rant